


It's You - I Always Knew.

by ChristianCat



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Charlie is working class AU, First Love, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-22 23:13:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7457464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChristianCat/pseuds/ChristianCat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charlie and Eggsy, two fourteen year old friends living on the breadline in a rundown Camden estate. When a sleepover to celebrate Eggsy's birthday takes an interesting new direction, and one family wins a lotto jackpot, the two boys are separated. </p><p>Ten years later, now both 24 years old the meet again, and Eggsy learns just how much money can change people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Notice Me Now I Know I'm Feeling This

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my Cheggsy dumpster! Yes I've finally fallen in this trash pit but hey ho it's my home now. The Hartwin in this isn't central, but there will be a full chapter for it. Promise de. Story title comes from I Always Knew by The Vaccines.  
> So feel free to leave any comments and criticism, this is the first chaptered story I've posted here so any feedback would be abfab. Cheers lads.

“Are you sure your parents don’t mind me staying the night?” Charlie asked as soon as Eggsy opened the door, biting down on his lip nervously. He wouldn’t admit it, but Eggsy’s stepfather terrified the life out of him. He often wondered how Eggsy and his mother could stand to live with such a bully. He readjusted his rucksack and shivered in the November rain. 

Eggsy was as chirpy as ever and stepped aside to beckon Charlie in. “Course they don’t! Come ‘ere y’ silly bugger!” He pulled his friend into the flat and straight into a big hug. 

Charlie chuckled nervously and returned the embrace, keeping a close eye out for his stepfather. He seemed the type of man who disapproved of any physical contact between boys that wasn’t a fight. “We’re gonna watch horror movies tonight, yeah?” He dumped his bag by the door and slipped out of his battered trainers, following Eggsy into the dingy flat. 

It wasn’t much dissimilar to his own. Too small for a family to be living in, and there were a tonne of problems the council hadn’t got round to fixing. Eggsy’s family was smaller than Charlie’s, they just about fitted into the tiny council estate flat. Charlie wasn’t as lucky, but at least his parents weren’t alcoholics. 

“Yeah, once mum and Dean have left, they’re goin’ down the pub again, won’t be back til really late, be too drunk to even notice us,” Eggsy replied, making his way around the mess of their living room, leading him to his bedroom. 

Charlie followed close behind, ignoring the funny feeling that flared up in his gut whenever he was around Eggsy. Eggsy ushered him into his room and shut the door behind them, flopping down on his bed leisurely. 

Charlie loved Eggsy’s room. It was like a map of Eggsy’s life. The room was a mess, only big enough to fit a twin sized bed and a desk for a computer and console. On a bookcase on the far wall, Eggsy kept his gymnastics certificates and pictures of his late father, DVDs and CDs and video games. Charlie counted a total of five empty Red Bull cans, an addition of two from when he was last in the room. Eggsy kept all his laundry on a chair in the corner and all his schoolwork on the floor, half-arsed attempts at homework scattered at their feet. 

“You got any other plans for y’ birthday, lad?” Charlie asked, taking the opposite end to Eggsy’s bed, their legs tangling together. 

Eggsy shook his head. “Nah, might go out with the boys but I ain’t got anythin’ official planned,” He replied. “’Part from this, been lookin’ forward to this all week,” He chuckled, slapping Charlie’s thigh. 

Charlie laughed and smiled, a little blush starting to rise. The simplest of compliments from Eggsy always made him blush. It was odd, friends are meant to be nice and sweet to each other, so it shouldn’t make him feel funny inside. Maybe it was just Eggsy and his honesty that made him feel so funny. 

“Really? You look forward to seeing me so much?” He checked. 

“Yeah, yeah I mean it’s fun to see y’ in school and all but I like just chillin’ out with y’ here,” Eggsy replied nonchalantly. It was like he hadn’t even noticed the pink creeping up Charlie’s neck and onto his cheeks. 

A slam from the other room made them both jump. The flat fell eerily silent, and the two boys looked at each other for a moment. Finally, Eggsy relaxed and smiled again. “They’ve gone, won’t be back for hours,” 

He untangled his legs from Charlie’s and pulled himself from his bed. He stretched his arms out above his head, his t-shirt lifting up and dragging along the flat expanse of his stomach. Charlie forced himself to look away as Eggsy tensed his muscles. He worried that perhaps he looked at Eggsy in the way he should be looking at his girlfriend, a girl he’d been dating for four weeks and yet had no connection with. 

He followed Eggsy out of the room, much more relaxed now he knew they were alone. He slumped down on the sofa like it was his own at home, legs swung over the arm. 

“I got some snacks, convinced mum to get us a bottle of vodka,” Eggsy said from the kitchen, appearing in the doorway with the bottle in hand, grinning like a Cheshire cat. “There’s coke and Red Bull for mixing.” 

Charlie smiled in return. Since moving to the rundown Camden estate, Eggsy had been a long list of firsts. He’d smoked his first cigarette with Eggsy, committed his first offence with Eggsy, and now he was getting drunk for the first time with Eggsy. Eggsy was even his first friend on the estate, he helped him integrate into the lower class life he’d never experienced before. Sure, life hadn’t been swings and roundabouts in Kent, but at least his father’s job had paid the bills. 

“Your mum buys you alcohol?” He asked. 

Eggsy shook his head. “It’s a fifteenth birthday present,” He replied with a smile. “She told me to drink it before Dean found it, so we’s getting absolutely smashed tonight my man,”

“Dean don’t look like the type to drink vodka,” Charlie commented absentmindedly. He sat up on his knees to look through the film collection on a shelf above his head. 

Eggsy nodded in agreement. “Says it’s for gayboys, he’d beat the shit out’a me if he found it,” 

Charlie didn’t need to look over to hear the bitterness in Eggsy’s voice, see the bruising on his arms and around his right eye. He didn’t need to ask to know Eggsy was speaking from experience. He remembered the first time his friend came to school with a split lip and faded black bruising on his wrist. Eggsy didn’t mention it so nobody said anything about it. Not even Charlie. Maybe he should’ve said something, told someone that the five little circular bruises on his arm looked oddly like fingertips. Maybe then, two years ago, someone could’ve stopped it. 

Eggsy could see the regret in Charlie, even from the kitchen doorway. He knew his friend too well, knew he wanted to say something to someone about what he knew his friend put up with. Eggsy was glad he kept it to himself. He would tell someone himself if he wanted help. So long as Dean never lay a finger on his mum, he was happy. As happy as you could be with the daily threat of violence. 

He carried the bottle and some glasses through to Charlie, putting them down on the coffee table in front of the sofa. “Y’ found somethin’ boyo?” He asked, going back for a bowl of popcorn. 

Charlie shook his head. “Not seen any of these, you choose,” He replied, settling down again. 

Eggsy came back with a can of coke and the bowl of popcorn. It was clear Charlie wasn’t going to get up again to pick a film, snuggled into the arm of the sofa with a pillow behind his head. Eggsy looked down at him and smiled, hoping he appeared as a friend and not as an admirer. Charlie giggled in return and reached up to take the bowl from him. Eggsy managed to hold back his sigh of relief that he’d hid his feelings yet again. 

He reached above his head and pulled the first film that his fingers came into contact with. He left Charlie with the bowl settled on his chest to set up the film. He understood exactly what he felt for him, and he knew it wasn’t right. That Charlie wouldn’t feel the same, he wouldn’t ever want to speak with Eggsy again if he knew. He understood what was wrong with him, and he knew he could keep it a secret, he had to. 

Once the film was up and running, Eggsy went back to the sofa with Charlie, letting him drape his legs over his lap. He liked how close they were as friends, it was the closest he was ever going to get to having Charlie in his life the way he wanted. 

The film opened calmly enough, the two passing the bowl between them, legs tangled together. Occasionally one of them would move to pour a drink, always putting a bit too much vodka in the bottom of the glass. Neither of them really enjoyed the taste, they just wanted to be drunk. 

Half way through, Eggsy paused to get more food and a blanket. The flat was growing cold as the winter air seeped through the cracks in the walls. The rain was hammering loudly against the window and the wind shook the glass. 

Charlie relaxed, glad to have a break from the film. He both loved and hated watching scary movies. The flat was dark apart from the light of the TV and the kitchen doorway and the sounds outside seemed unnatural, despite it only being the bad weather. He was glad to have Eggsy’s company. He always seemed unflappable, never phased by anything. He watched him stumble around the dark flat, falling over his own feet and giggling to himself. 

“You okay there lad?” Charlie called after a loud thud came from the kitchen. 

Eggsy popped his head around the kitchen door and grinned. “I walked into the fridge,” He giggled. He switched the light off and stumbled back to Charlie with a fresh bowl of popcorn, almost dropping it down on the coffee table. He fell down onto the sofa, landing mostly on his equally drunk friend. 

Charlie giggled and tried to readjust the weight on top of him. “Eggsy boy you’s fucking heavy!” He laughed, hands on his shoulders to try and push him off. Eggsy giggled and swung his legs up on the sofa, head buried in Charlie’s chest. He was comfy, he could quite happily spend the rest of the night with his face in his chest and his arms around his shoulders. Perhaps he wasn’t good at keeping his secret while he was drunk. 

Eggsy struggled to sit up and cross his legs, head spinning from the vodka. Once his weight was off him, Charlie sat up too, draping the blanket over their heads and shoulders, forcing them closer together. He picked up the bowl and placed it between them, starting the film again. 

Charlie was grateful that he had Eggsy’s shoulder to hide in when the tension became unbearable. Eggsy didn’t seem phased by the film, nor by Charlie occasionally burying his face in his neck. Eggsy smelt nice, of aftershave and cigarettes and vodka. He hadn’t realised just how tightly he was clinging onto Eggsy, arms around his waist, face in the crook of his neck. 

Eggsy smiled and wrapped an arm around his friend’s shoulders, holding him against his side. He wished there was something more to it, but he knew better than to hope for something. He knew he’d only be disappointed. 

Charlie smiled at the contact and peered nervously up at him, hoping he wasn’t angry or thought he was acting childishly. Eggsy was grinning down at him, eyes sleepy with alcohol and…something else. Charlie didn’t recognise. Fondness? Maybe. His girlfriend looked at him like that sometimes. 

“You okay?” Eggsy checked, his voice soft. 

Charlie ignored the twist in his stomach, deciding he just felt sick from the alcohol. It wasn’t that their faces were only inches apart, and Eggsy was looking down at him with some kind of loving look in his eyes that made Charlie feel sick. He’d never been so close to Eggsy before, never had so much contact with him. The skin of his neck was soft and pale in the light of the TV screen, save for a small, fading bruised patch. Charlie didn’t want to think about Dean grabbing Eggsy by the neck, didn't want to thinka bout him getting hurt like that. 

“Charlie?” Eggsy asked again, reaching over to pause the movie. This time Charlie looked up and smiled weakly. 

“Yeah, just feel funny,” He replied, swallowing hard. He’d never noticed how nice Eggsy’s eyes really were. 

Eggsy turned to face him more, removing Charlie’s face from his neck. They were still unusually close, noses almost touching. Charlie squirmed uncomfortably, but not at their closeness. His heart seemed to beat unevenly and his stomach was in knots. 

“Have… have you ever kissed a boy before?” He asked nervously, voice breaking. Eggsy shook his head, eyes wide. “Neither have I,” 

“Do you want to?” Eggsy asked in return after a pause, biting down on his lower lip. Charlie’s eyes were instantly drawn to his mouth and his stomach felt even worse. “I mean, like, jus’ to try… gotta try everything once yeah?”

Charlie blushed and leaned closer, eyes still on Eggsy’s lips. He looked up briefly to meet his eyes, as if to ask for permission. “Just to try, yeah?” 

Eggsy leant forwards, their noses touching. “Yeah, jus’ to try,” He said quietly, before closing the gap between them. 

It was a shy and nervous kiss, full of inexperience. It was only a lingering peck, broken after a couple of seconds. There was a tense pause, until Eggsy’s hand moved to cup Charlie’s cheek and slotted their mouths together again. Slowly they built in confidence, Charlie moving his hands to hold Eggsy’s neck tenderly and pull him deeper into their quickening kiss. They only separated for air, reconnecting with a sense of urgency, like their lives depended on it. 

Charlie felt the tension in his stomach fade away gradually. Eggsy’s lips tasted of the vodka and coke, nicer than his girlfriend’s. He much preferred the way Eggsy fitted neatly beneath his fingertips, how the two of them just seemed to lock neatly. They matched, somehow. 

After several minutes, Eggsy broke the kiss and leaned back, too far for Charlie to lean in and catch his lips again. He blushed and looked away, turning back to settle down on the sofa. 

Charlie could feel his cheeks turning pink, the confusion of what had just happened and Eggsy’s reaction embarrassing him. He was still unsure as to what the fluttering sensation in his stomach and chest was. He found the remote and played the movie, refusing to lean on Eggsy, no matter how frightened he became. 

Eggsy snuck glances at Charlie occasionally, admiring his sharp cheekbones and swollen lips in the bright light of the screen. If there was any ever doubts over his feelings for Charlie, he’d confirmed them for himself. He was certain he’d never forget that kiss. The best fifteenth birthday present he could ever ask for. 

He was furious with himself for allowing his secret to slip. Now Charlie knew, and once he’d sobered up, he’d never want to speak to him again. He forced his eyes back to the TV screen blinked back tears. 

“Are we gonna put another one on?” Charlie asked, voice sleepy. 

Eggsy turned to him and smiled as if nothing had happened. “If you like, sound a little tired though mate,” 

Charlie giggled and rolled onto his side, the drunken playfulness lighting up in his eyes. “Put another scary one on!” 

Eggsy smiled and rolled his eyes, glad nothing had changed between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: I like not Knowing by Fatherson.  
> Feel free to talk to me on my [Tumblr!](http://christiancat.tumblr.com/)


	2. Gonna Open My Heart, Right at the Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Charlie receives exciting news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually surprised people like this! So thank you very much for that!

Eggsy woke up to the sound of the wind and rain battering his window pane. He tucked his duvet under his chin and nestled his head further into a pillow. He blinked slowly, eyes adjusting to the light. He’d forgotten to close his blinds before he went to sleep. He rolled over onto his back, stretching his arms out above his head. 

He’d slept in the sweatpants Charlie bought him for his birthday. They were still soft against his skin, even after a week of wearing them. He was in love with them, they were warm and made of thick cotton, perfect for his cold flat. Most importantly, they were from Charlie. Of course they were special to him, Charlie bought them. 

He pulled himself upright and stretched again. The cold air hit the bare skin of his chest, sending a shiver down his spine. He reached for a hoodie hanging from the bed post and pulled it over his head. He relished in the feeling of soft fabric on his skin, pulling the sleeves down over his hand. He sighed in contentment, throwing off the duvet to get out of bed.

He padded through to the kitchen, moving quietly in case Dean was still in bed. He doubted it, he was probably down the pub or off somewhere his mates. His mother would be out at work at this time in the morning. 

For Eggsy, Saturdays were his favourite days. He loved having a lie in, being able to chill out in his sweatpants. He didn’t have to leave the flat or talk to anyone, not even Charlie expected him on a Saturday. 

Since his birthday sleepover with Charlie, their relationship hadn’t changed. Eggsy had hoped it would. He had hoped that the kiss had convinced Charlie to feel the same for Eggsy, that they’d start building something in secret. He’d hoped for more kisses in secret, sleepovers where he could wake up with Charlie wrapped up in his arms. But nothing had changed, they were just still friends. 

There was a loud knock at the door, startling Eggsy. He made his way through to the front door, still groggy with sleep. He opened the door slightly and peered through the gap. 

“Oh, hi Charlie,” He mumbled sleepily, stepping to the side to let his beloved friend in. He couldn’t help but feel a pang of regret when he saw Charlie. What if he’d never kissed him, and kept his secret to himself?

Charlie was bouncing up and down on his heels like an excited puppy, a huge grin on his face. He bounded into Eggsy’s flat and tackled him into the biggest hug of his life, nuzzling his face into his neck and squeezing him tightly. His face felt slightly damp against Eggsy’s neck. 

Eggsy chuckled and stumbled backwards, wrapping his arms around Charlie. “Someone’s happy to see me,” He laughed. 

Charlie pulled away and looked at him, eyes shining and a huge smile on his face. “You’ll _never_ believe what’s happened!” 

“Well I’m assumin’ it’s a good thing yeah?” He said, letting go of Charlie to go and finish making himself a coffee. 

“So dad plays the lotto right, just to give himself a bit of hope,” Charlie started, following Eggsy into the kitchen and jumping up onto the counter. 

Eggsy could hear the sadness in his voice from a mile away. Charlie’s father had never been a happy looking bloke, he always looked like there was something wrong, some impending doom waiting for him. He had the same look in his eyes and the same smile as Eggsy’s mother. 

“So he goes to check last night’s numbers, does it first thing every morning, and it’s never usually anything, he spends more on the lotto than he ever wins back,” Charlie continued, almost shaking with excitement now. 

Eggsy turned to him and smiled but he knew what was coming. Parts of him dreaded it. “How much?” He asked. 

“Over seventy _million_ ,” Charlie replied, his grin widening. He looked away for a brief moment, wiping a happy tear away from his eye. “Dad cried, sat down and cried, made us all look to check he weren’t making it up, we won the _jackpot_ , Eggsy,” 

Eggsy stood and stared at him in utter shock. He’d never realised that amount of money existed, nor that it could be accessible to people like him and Charlie. Slowly he started to smile, stepping forwards to pull Charlie down from the counter and into his chest. 

“Oh my days!” He breathed in excitement, holding Charlie as tightly as he could, taking in everything. He took in his scent, the softness of his neck to contrast with the rough stubble starting across his jaw, how tightly his hands gripped his sweater. 

He wanted to take in absolutely everything he could about his beloved friend of five years. His best friend, the one who waltzed into his life and turned his whole world upside down. He and Charlie had been inseparable ever since day one, everything they did they did together. What if Charlie left?

He couldn’t imagine life without Charlie by his side. School without Charlie would be pointless. Without Charlie, Eggsy’s world truly had no point. Yes he had other friends, but Charlie was special and he was slowly falling from him. A part of him hated himself for his feelings for his friend. 

“Guess they gonna get you out this shithole then yeah?” He chuckled, squeezing him. 

“Mum and dad are already looking at houses in the country,” Charlie replied, excitement ringing in his voice. 

Eggsy’s worst fears were confirmed. 

“Back in Kent yeah?” He checked. If Eggsy had won over 70 million in the lottery jackpot, he wouldn’t even stay in Britain. He’d go somewhere new and exotic, where even the rain was warm. 

“Probably yeah,” Charlie replied, moving away to look Eggsy in the eye. His hands held onto his shoulders and his eyes were damp again. “Gonna miss you though my man,” His smile turned sad. 

Eggsy smiled in return and held Charlie’s shoulders. “It’s okay, it’ll be worth it,” 

Charlie chuckled and nodded, tears starting again. “God, don’t tell the boys I’m cryin’ yeah?” 

Eggsy smiled and laughed, pushing the panic that was building in his chest to the back of his thoughts. He didn’t want to think about Charlie leaving. At least if Charlie left, the wrong feelings might disappear and he could meet a nice girl and have a normal life. 

“Wouldn’t betray y’ like that boyo,” He laughed, letting go of his shoulders to go back to his coffee. 

Eggsy wrapped his hands around the mug and let the steam warm his face as he listened to Charlie babble on about the upcoming changes. He hoped he could hide his jealousy as well as his love for his friend. 

***

The rain took a break for the day of Charlie’s leaving. A month had passed and Christmas was fast approaching. The cold was still unrelenting, and Eggsy stood shivering outside Charlie’s flat with his hands thrust deep in his jacket pockets.

“I bought you a present,” Eggsy said when Charlie appeared from the flat with a brand new winter coat. He was glad the cold had already turned his cheeks pink so that Charlie couldn’t see him blush. “I mean it ain’t much but it-“

Charlie threw himself at Eggsy with all his weight, arms wrapping around him. He pulled Eggsy tight against his chest, burying his face in his neck. He tried to hold back tears, but he knew it was pointless. 

“Means the world to me Eggsy,” He sighed. 

Eggsy reached into his pocket and pulled out a silver link chain with a single charm on it. He pressed it into Charlie’s hand, the metal cold against his warm palm. The chain hadn’t been expensive, and he’d managed to find one exactly the same. 

“I know it’s a little gay, friendship bracelets with charms on them but I thought it’d be a sweet way to remember each other, yeah?” He hung his head, still holding onto Charlie’s hand. 

Charlie looked down at the silver chain in his hand. It was a little battered, Eggsy had probably found it on one of the many jewellery stalls on Convent Garden Market. Attached was the letter ‘E’, a small purple diamante in the bottom corner. 

He smiled warmly and pulled Eggsy into a hug once again. “It’s lovely, boyo, really touching,” He said quietly in his ear. 

Eggsy smiled, relieved that Charlie liked his gift and didn’t find it girly or gay. “Mine has a ‘C’ on it,” He giggled, still a little nervous. 

Charlie’s parents appeared from the flat behind them, siblings in tow. They all appeared happier, his father didn’t look so haggard and broken down. His clothes were smarter and his coat looked just as expensive, if not more expensive than his son’s. Eggsy found himself straightening up self-consciously, aware that his time with his friend, secret love, was about to come to an abrupt end. 

“I’ll be at the car in a minute, dad,” Charlie said, dropping Eggsy’s hand quickly before they could be spotted. His father nodded and moved his family on, down the steps of the concrete bunkers Eggsy had called home his whole life. 

“You’s gonna have to invite me to y’ new place someday, yeah? Never set a foot outside London before,” Eggsy chuckled to lighten the mood. He was staring down at his feet, debating blurting his secret out as a final goodbye. 

“Will do, as soon as, and I’ll write to y’ as soon I can,” Charlie replied, slipping the silver bracelet onto his wrist. He tucked it under his coat sleeve to hide it from his father. “I got you something too, Eggsy,” Charlie said. 

Eggsy looked up in surprise and once again thanked the weather for his already pink skin. “Y’ didn’t need to,” He laughed nervously rubbed the back of his neck. 

“Course I did! Why wouldn’t I?” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a little photo frame with a picture of the two of them in. He handed the picture over to him, smiling as he watched Eggsy’s eye light up at the memory. 

The two had been playing near a pond in one of the many parks throughout their city. It was the height of the summer and the heat was blistering, so hot both boys had burns over their arms and necks and their brows were lined with sweat. They’d rode their bikes to the pond and spent the day dipping their toes in the cool water, kicking around empty water bottles and tackling each other to the ground. It was Charlie’s mother who took the photo of the two boys, stood side by side with their arms around each other, huge grins plastered across their young faces. They went home as the sun was setting, walking their bikes back to their flats. 

Eggsy stared down at the photo, shivering in the cold. His smile radiated so much warmth and love, so much happiness. He glanced up briefly at Charlie, hoping he hadn’t noticed the tears starting to well up. He wiped them away quickly and burrowed into his friend’s warm chest. 

“Don’t cry y’ silly bugger!” Charlie chuckled, wrapping his arms around him.

Eggsy sniffled and nuzzled into him more. “I got somethin’ to confess, before y’ go,” Eggsy started before he could stop himself. 

Charlie looked down at him quizzically. Eggsy blushed, decideing there was no going back. If Charlie rejected him, well then so what. He was gone, they’d never have to speak again. 

“You gotta keep it a secret though yeah?” He said, taking a deep breath. Charlie looked down at him with big honest eyes. He took another deep breath in through his nose and stepped away from Charlie. He tried his hardest to meet his eyes. “Do you remember that night before my fifteenth birthday? When we got drunk and watched movies?” 

Charlie’s face fell pale. “We um…yeah,” He mumbled awkwardly. 

“Yeah, yeah… I’d been thinking about that, for ages before it ever happened…” Eggsy stared down at his feet again, praying to whoever was listening that Charlie felt the same, or at least that he wasn’t mad. 

“Well I mean, everyone gets curious sometimes, I got a bit curious ‘bout you too,” Charlie admitted. “It kinda helped me get over those feelings,”

Charlie knew he was simply lying to Eggsy. He hadn’t stopped thinking about the way Eggsy held onto him, the way their lips slotted together so perfectly. He still woke up with an image of Eggsy in his mind, an uncomfortably tight bulge in his pants. 

“It helped me too, yeah,” Eggsy lied, burying the guilt deep down in his chest. His heart felt crushed. He didn’t feel like a weight had been lifted from his chest like he had hoped he’d feel. If anything he felt worse, crushed under the weight of rejection. He wished he could be honest, tell Charlie he dreamed of him and their kiss, but not even he could be that stupid. 

A car horn honked below them. Charlie glanced down over the balcony and sighed. “I gotta go,” He sighed. “I’ll see you soon, I’ll write as soon as we’s settled,” He said, pulling Eggsy into one final, bone crushing hug. 

Eggsy squeezed back as tightly as he could, hoping they could squeeze all the heartache and upset out of him. Maybe as soon as Charlie had been gone for a couple of weeks he’d forget all about his stupid gay phase. 

A second horn blew and Charlie finally let go, taking a step back. He smiled a little and waved goodbye, turning to walk down the concrete steps, disappearing below the balcony. 

Eggsy didn’t look on after him. He wiped tears away from his eyes aggressively, cursing himself for being such a baby. He listened to the sound of the car engine starting, the car pulling away from the estate carpark. He missed him already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Wait For Me - Kings of Leon.  
> Feel free to talk to me on my [Tumblr!](http://christiancat.tumblr.com/)


	3. Go Ahead and Walk Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy and Charlie attempt to carry on with their friendship after Charlie moves to Kent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay this would've been done earlier if my internet hadn't gone down so I seriously hope you all enjoy this because it's 1am and I love yall :)

It was another four weeks before the first letter arrived. Christmas had rolled by and January was well underway with a new school term, so Charlie’s letter was like a late gift to an already exhausted Eggsy. 

School seemed empty without Charlie. Of course he had another friends, and they’d moved in to help fill the void, but nothing could replace Charlie. They could all see that Eggsy wasn’t himself, but like the bruising they kept it to themselves. Eggsy’s feelings hadn’t faded, if anything they’d spread to other boys. Eggsy couldn’t help but notice particularly muscular sixth formers or boys with pretty blue eyes. It was driving him mad, making him feel queasy and guilty. 

_”Hello Eggsy!_

_So we’ve moved into this giant mansion kinda thing with loads of land and gardens and I can’t wait til you can visit so we can explore the place. It borders a forest and I’m not brave enough to go in without you. The house is massive and its definitely haunted so when you come to stay we’re ghost hunting too. I guess you’re in school now, I’m home schooled now until half term and then I get to go to some expensive private school full of posh gayboy wankers. Would much rather be in that shithole with you any day. I know this is really gay but I wear that bracelet you gave me every day. I really miss you, like a lot. I know it’s dumb but I really do, can’t wait to see you again! I’ll send you our phone number as soon as we’re connected to the landline. And I’ll ask dad about when you can come down and visit._

_Write me back when you can lad, say hi to your mum for me, she’s well fit ;) – Charlie xox_

Eggsy must’ve read the letter a thousand times. He slept with it under his pillow. He took at least ten attempts to write back, trying to word his response properly, trying to make his scrawled handwriting as neat as he could. Despite the time it took him to write the letter, it was sent the very next day. 

***

For a while, they bounced letters back and forth fairly regularly. Occasionally they would speak over the phone, if Dean was away from the flat for long enough. Their friendship remained strong despite their distance, and massive class distance. 

Eggsy’s feelings sat heavily on his chest and on his conscience. He tried everything to shake the phase, he played around with girls carelessly, bullied his gay friends, sat and cried in the shower as the guilt tore him apart. The weight on his mind burdened him down, so much so Eggsy found himself deliberately causing himself pain as a distraction. He’d bite down on his lip until he drew blood whenever a pretty sixth former walked by, or scratch at his forearm to dispel any inappropriate thoughts. 

Half term finally came around and Eggsy was grateful to have his break from school. He felt as though he’d earned it. He’d earned his week at home, where Dean could punch him and spit verbal assaults at him whenever he pleased. At least at home he was away from his friends, who meant well and loved him but didn’t understand the burden on his mind. 

Eggsy was also looking forward to a break with Charlie. His father had phoned to invite Eggsy to stay for a few days during the half term break before Charlie started school. Eggsy had been looking forward to it ever since they’d confirmed the dates. 

_”When you get here, we’re gonna explore that forest and we’re gonna go through the house and find all the ghosts, and we’ll camp out somewhere in the garden and stargaze because the stars are so clear out here. I guess you’ve never seen the stars before, like for real with your own two eyes. I can’t wait to show you how beautiful it is out here!”_

Charlie wasn’t wrong about the beauty. Eggsy arrived at the estate late afternoon in February, after meeting Charlie and his father at the nearest train station. Charlie was almost unrecognisable, even after only a couple of months. He’d grown taller and the beginnings of puberty and deepened his voice and sharpened his face. Eggsy still looked like a baby next to his old friend. His clothes were expensive and smart, while Eggsy still wore his baggy jeans and bomber jacket. They embraced on the platform, arms around each other, crushingly tight. 

The house was shrouded in fog and dew, a huge old fashioned mansion that was surrounded by rolling gardens, attached to a black forest. Charlie held Eggsy’s hand as he gave him a tour of the house, dragging him from room to room with the excitement of a child. The contact took his breath away initially, Eggsy spent most of the tour trying to control the knots in his stomach. 

Charlie’s bedroom had a balcony. Not an ugly concrete thing like the one outside Eggsy’s front door, but a grand marble balcony with a view of the mountains in the distance. The two boys sat out on the balcony once darkness had fallen, blankets wrapped around their shoulders, hot chocolate between their hands. Eggsy couldn’t help but be reminded of the night he kissed him. 

“Have you ever seen the stars?” Charlie asked after a few minutes silence. He pointed up to the deep blue sky, littered with tiny white lights. The moon shone down over the darkening land, reflecting in the boating lake.

Eggsy looked up, mouth hanging open in awe. He’d never seen the stars, born and raised in London where the lights drowned out the beauty of the sky. Charlie watched him as he stared, the light of the moon reflected in his green eyes. He swore he’d never seen anyone so beautiful. He swallowed the thought and looked away, before he could get lost in Eggsy’s strange, foreign beauty. 

As promised, they explored the forest surrounding the estate the next day. Eggsy had never been anywhere so full of trees and grass and wildlife. The closest he got to the countryside were the parks in the city, manmade displays of natural beauty. He fell in love with the naturalness of Charlie’s new world beyond the gardens, all the rolling farmland and distant mountains. 

“Wouldn’t it be great if we could live here? Together?” Eggsy suggested flippantly as they walked along the gravel path away from the boating lake. He blushed as his words dawned on him. He had been trying desperately to hide his envy for Charlie’s new situation. 

“That would be so fun!” Charlie agreed, elbowing his friend in the side. “Be just like the old times, we could do this every day,” 

Eggsy looked up at him and smiled. Charlie stood a few inches taller than his friend, despite being the younger of the two. “Yeah, or at least I wish that we could live closer, I’d love a place like this,”

Charlie smiled and wrapped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close to his side. “We’ll be okay, even with the distance,”

***

Eggsy’s second visit fell during the Easter holidays. Charlie met him from the station again and the two hugged just as tightly as before. He’d shot up even taller, leaving Eggsy at chest height. The house in the spring sunshine appeared much different, less gloomy and haunted. Flowers had started blooming and the garden no longer looked dead. 

Eggsy couldn’t believe how grown up his younger friend looked. He walked a few paces behind him, listening to the new depth to his voice. His face and sharpened a great deal and the puppy fat had started to drain from his face. His smart and expensive clothes fitted his body perfectly, Eggsy had to force himself not to admire him too much. He continued to remind himself that Charlie didn’t feel the same way, and anything that was there between them was simply curiosity. 

Curiosity that Eggsy still hadn’t recovered from. He still looked at boys like he should be looking at girls. He tried his hardest to get over the phase: he hurt himself as a distraction, he flirted with girls at school and he flirted with the rent boys, but nothing he did seemed to work. He always preferred the attention from the rent boys. 

Their walk through the woods left Eggsy covered in bug bites. His skin burned from scratching, red marks appearing over welts. They were everywhere, all down his back and along his arms and legs. 

“I got covered in bites when I first moved in here, now I hardly ever get bitten,” Charlie said later at night, sat on his four poster bed. Eggsy sat in front of him with his shirt off, his back to Charlie. He felt slightly self-conscious around him, aware that Charlie was much more handsome and developing much faster than him. Charlie rubbed little dots of soothing cream into the bites Eggsy couldn’t reach on his back. 

“They hurt a little,” He admitted, hunching his shoulders over. 

“Yeah, not nice are they,” Charlie chuckled in agreement. “How are the ones on your chest?”

“I did the ones on my chest, they’re okay now,” Eggsy replied quickly, not wanting to turn around and face him. 

“Yeah yeah but let me see,” Charlie insisted and tugged on Eggsy’s shoulders. 

Eggsy sighed and turned to face him, sat cross legged on his bed. Their knees touched and Charlie pushed Eggsy’s chin back with the tips of his fingers to inspect his neck. Eggsy’s breath caught in his throat at the contact. He blushed under inspection, chest heating up and turning red. 

“They look like they’re cooling down now,” He said, letting go of Eggsy’s chin. He looked down at Eggsy’s chest and smiled slightly to himself. There was a pause as he looked down Eggsy’s chest, a coy smile playing at the corners of his mouth. 

“What?” Eggsy grumbled, crossing his arms over his bare chest. 

Charlie smiled widely and shook his head. “Nothing, just looking…” He giggled. His eyes met Eggsy again and leant in slightly, lowering his voice. “Do you ever think about…you know, kissing boys?” 

Eggsy blushed and swallowed hard. “Why?” He asked quietly. 

Charlie shrugged. “Cause I was thinkin’ about last time,”

Eggsy nodded and blushed again, face feeling hot and sticky. He uncrossed his arms from around his chest slowly, still feeling exposed under Charlie’s blue eyed gaze. “I thought we both agreed it was just curiosity?” 

“Yeah but it still crosses my mind from time to time, and I go to an all boys boarding school so it’s not like I get anything else,” Charlie replied. He leant in a little closer to Eggsy, placing his hands on his forearms. 

“Okay but this isn’t right Charlie,” His voice was little more than a whisper. He didn’t move away, didn’t fight it, but he tried to ignore the squirming in his stomach.

Charlie shrugged again. “No one needs to know,” He leaned in even further and nudged Eggsy’s nose with his own, eyes half lidded. Eggsy waited for him to close the gap between the two of them, holding his breath in nervous anticipation. 

Charlie leant in to close the gap, delicately pressing their mouths together. Eggsy sighed in satisfaction, slowly moving his hands to Charlie’s waist. Just like their first time, the kiss wasn’t rushed or sexual, just a simple, gentle kiss. Charlie tilted his head to the side, tracing Eggsy’s jaw with his fingertips. 

Eggsy’s brain went into overdrive, all his fantasies and dreams regarding Charlie and pretty boys realised at once. He cursed himself for liking it so much, for wanting more than just a little kiss, but he couldn’t deny the way his heart thundered and his stomach did backflips. 

Charlie pushed all his weight on top of Eggsy, forcing him to lie back on his bed. He rolled them onto their sides and pulled him closer, kissing him slowly. Their legs slotted together neatly, hands resting on each other’s chests. 

They lay there for a while, kissing lazily and experimentally, teasing each other with gentle flicks of the tongue. Eggsy forgot that a world existed beyond their moment, beyond Charlie’s mouth and sweet touches. 

 

***

_”Hi Charlie, you turn 15 soon, shame we can’t celebrate together, I miss you. Maybe I could visit again when you’re home? It’s coming up to summer, we can have a late 15th birthday party yeah? Please write me back boyo, I miss hearing from you – Eggsy xo”_

_”Heya Charlie, it’s been two weeks, did you get my last letter? I was thinking maybe we could hang out for your birthday. I don’t know if you’re even home to get these. Sorry for spamming you, I just miss you a lot. Mum says maybe I need to see a therapist or a counsellor or something to deal with my bad behaviour. Miss you still – Eggsy xo”_

_”Happy birthday Charlie! You’re finally 15! You’re not the little baby out of us anymore! I hope you have a great day and I’m sorry I’m not there to celebrate it. I still miss you, I don’t mean to sound horrible but I hope you miss me too, it would be nice to hear back from you sometime. Like maybe give me your mobile number or email address so we can talk more? I don’t have any friends like you, I could do with hearing from you – Eggsy xo”_

_”Is this because of what happened? Because if it is I really don’t think that’s fair as you’re the one that initiated it, and you’re at an all boys school so I doubt I’m not the only boy you’ve kissed. I miss you still, I don’t have any friends like you, so please, I hope we can work this out. – Eggsy xo”_

_”What did I do wrong? I miss you more than ever and yet you haven’t spoken to me since I visited. I mean I understood why you took a few weeks to reply cause of that school you go to, but you haven’t replied at all for months now. Do you still have that bracelet? I hope you think of me when you look at it. Things are just the same here, but mum lost her job. Now we’re on the dole properly. I’ve got one more year of school and then that’s it. Maybe then we can hang out more. Please write back, please – Eggsy xo”_

***

Eggsy removed the ‘C’ charm from his bracelet on his sixteenth birthday. Charlie had sent a card, but it was as impersonal and cold as letter from the courts. Eggsy still kept it safe in the box of precious memories, despite the lack of friendly love. 

The box was full of the letters they’d sent, the photo of Charlie in his Eton uniform, the photo of the two in the park on that sunny day. He’d included pictures of his father and grandfather in their uniforms, photos of his mother and father when they were younger. He put the charm in that box and continued to wear the bracelet. 

Gradually, his feelings for Charlie faded. He forgot about how the blue in his eyes made his heart beat a little faster, how perfectly they knotted together when they cuddled closed or kissed. His stomach still churned whenever a pretty boy glanced at him. He moved on from Charlie, but his phase stuck, eating away at his conscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: Your Graduation - Modern Baseball  
> Feel free to talk to me on my [Tumblr!](http://christiancat.tumblr.com/)


	4. Everything You Say and Everything You Mean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 10 years later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY ITS 2:28AM and I wrote this and wasn't happy with it so I rewrote it and that's why it's a bit late. But I'm looking forward to writing the next chapter so hopefully that'll be better. Also I hope to have the last two chapters done by the 31st. So thanks for reading!

Eggsy was exhausted. Finally, at 24 years old, his life was getting better. He failed gymnastics, then failed school, then failed the Marines. He’d never done an honest day’s work in his life, never aimed for anything higher than taking punches for his mother and looking after his three year old sister. Never had a serious partner, and at 24 his friends were starting to worry that Eggsy was never going to settle down. 

And now a tall, handsome stranger waltzed into his life and swept all his problems under the carpet with his bespoke suit and Bond gadgets. Eggsy had struggled to hide how attractive his display at the pub had been. He cursed himself for admiring him, watching the way his suited body moved through Dean’s friends effortlessly. 

He never got over the phase, like he expected too. He continued to play around with girls, moving from relationship to relationship like a fox scavenging for food, never finding anything that really enticed him. He ended up on the corner of the street some nights, drunk and high, flirting shamelessly with rent boys. Most had come to know him, pity him, took it upon themselves to call him a taxi and get him home safe. 

Eggsy was grateful for their platonic care. He wasn’t brave enough to take their numbers or make a move on them, afraid they’d find his inexperience laughable. He wasn’t even sure if he was ready to have such experiences. He was still torn between accepting himself and the feelings of disgust that flared in his stomach whenever he woke from a dream about a handsome man. 

This new stranger, Harry Hart, was everything Eggsy had ever dreamed of. He was the perfect man. He was tall with sinfully long legs and perfectly broad shoulders. He had a solid jawline and chocolate brown eyes, so rich that Eggsy was grateful his glasses provided some kind of barrier between them. He was smartly dressed, polite and gentlemanly, and didn’t appear to judge Eggsy for his lower class roots. He dragged Eggsy up from the underworld and showed him his potential, invested faith in him. 

It was Harry’s faith and Eggsy’s fear of letting him down that had led him so far. Eggsy had fought tooth and nail for his spot. He worked harder than the others, he trained harder, gave everything he had and pushed himself to the edge of his ability, just to prove himself. He developed another version of himself, a Gary Unwin who was refined and spoke with a smart English accent and was endlessly polite. Gary Unwin didn’t come from an estate in Camden, he didn’t get drunk or high and he most certainly didn’t fantasise about other men. 

The others pushed back just as hard. They already had the refinery and the etiquette that Eggsy had to work for. One candidate in particular gave Eggsy hell, exhausting him to his very core. 

 

Charlie Hesketh would do anything to hide his past. He wouldn’t dare admit that he understood Eggsy’s low class, breadline upbringing. He didn’t even want to acknowledge Eggsy as an old friend, someone he once loved and cared for deeply. 

Seeing Eggsy for the first time in ten years nearly knocked the breath out of his lungs. He’d grown since they last spent time together, but he was still the shorter one. His face had become thin and bags had appeared under his eyes. His eyes were no longer as bright and youthfully happy as Charlie remembered. They seemed tired, stressed from the years of abuse and poverty. Despite the unhealthy narrowness to his cheekbones, his jawline had filled in beautifully. 

His body had filled out too beneath his clothes, growing into something delicious and handsome that Charlie just wanted to devour. He wanted to pin him against a wall and worship every inch of skin across his torso until he begged for more. Seeing Eggsy shirtless after their first test made him want to lick every droplet of water from his near perfect body. 

He was so desperate to hide his attraction to Eggsy, his history with him, that he took to bullying him to hide it. He used his height to his advantage, standing taller and prouder than his old friend. 

Eggsy suffered through it all, emotionally drained from the taunts and physically drained from the training. He was thankful for Roxy and Harry, for keeping him sane and stopping him from taking drastic measures. 

“He just wants to see you snap, you know, he thinks you aren’t as good simply because of where you’re from,” She reminded him, holding Eggsy’s shoulders to stop him lunging at Charlie and beating the smug smirk off his face. 

“We got more in common than he thinks, Rox,” Eggsy smirked knowingly at Charlie, reminding him he could blow the lid on his secret at any second. Charlie may be able to tear into Eggsy’s sanity, but he could ruin Charlie’s reputation in the blink of an eye. 

He tried not to respond to the teasing and taunting, knowing that was exactly what Charlie wanted from him. He wanted him to do something rash and risk his career, have him thrown out and out of Charlie’s way. Eggsy resisted most fights, but being rudely awaken by a bucket of cold water was almost too much, and Eggsy was ready for a fight. If Roxy wasn’t between them, her hands on Eggsy’s chest holding him back, he would’ve stepped up to it. 

It was like he and Charlie never knew each other. Like their last night together hadn’t been filled with sweet, curious kisses. Like they hadn’t awoken as two fifteen year old boys wrapped up in each other’s arms, their legs tangled. A distance had started to grow between them, eventually turning into total silence. All their promises to never forget each other had been for nothing, as with a strange and distanced look Charlie had waved his friend from the platform and never sent another word to him. 

Eggsy hadn’t realised just how much money could change people. He remembered the Charlie who was grateful for everything, who worked hard and was considerate towards others. That Charlie, the person Eggsy had found himself falling for was long gone. Instead there was a selfish man who looked down his nose at other people, especially people like Eggsy. 

***

“What would you do if someone you used to be really close to started treatin’ y’ like shit?” Eggsy asked Harry randomly in the middle of an etiquette lesson. 

Harry looked over at the boy from the window, head cocked to one side curiously. He turned and took a few slow steps towards him, hands behind his back. “Who’s been giving you grief, Eggsy?” He asked. 

Eggsy’s skin flushed and he forced his eyes away from Harry. The thudding feeling in his stomach started, and his hands fidgeted aimlessly. Harry rested his hands down over Eggsy’s own, forcing him to look up sheepishly. 

“A gentleman don’t fidget, got it,” Eggsy said, placing his palms flat on the desk to calm his nerves. “It don’t matter who, I jus’ wanna know what you’d do,” 

“What makes you think that I’d know what to do in such a situation?” Harry asked nonchalantly. He lifted his hand away and paced around the desk. Eggsy swallowed hard, feeling as though he was on display. Harry was so effortlessly charming and handsome, so suave it almost hurt. Eggsy was just so plain in comparison, he wanted to impress. 

“Cause you’re Harry Hart,” Eggsy replied sheepishly. “And you’re my mentor, yeah, you’re supposed to be givin’ me advice,”

Harry chuckled and shook his head. “You seem to be coping just fine as you are,” He commented.

“How would you know? You ain’t involved with the others,” Eggsy retorted, turning in his seat to face him. 

“Merlin has been keeping me up to speed and I must say I am very proud of you,” Harry replied, a small smile on his face. Eggsy faltered and slouched in his seat, a huge grin slowly spreading across his face. “I mean it, Eggsy, you’re learning faster than I ever expected you to, I’m excited to see you grow and improve even more,” 

Eggsy was beaming with pride, cheeks glowing rosy pink. “Dad would be proud of me too yeah?” He asked. 

“Of course, he’d be unbelievably proud to have you as a son,” Harry replied, smiling fondly at the boy. 

Eggsy turned to face the front again, trying to hide his smile. To have a man like harry Hart compliment him was almost overwhelming. Harry was everything he strived to be, the perfect gentleman. 

“Do you want to tell me who’s been bothering you now?” Harry asked, his footsteps echoing on the wooden flooring. 

Eggsy shrugged. “Only Charlie,” 

Harry chuckled, head tipping back slightly when he laughed. Eggsy smiled fondly at the sight. Harry Hart would be the death of him. “When were you and Mr Hesketh ever close, Eggsy dear?” 

Eggsy’s heart skipped a beat at the pet name. He loved the attention Harry gave him, the little platonic affections. He wanted more but was still unsure of himself. Harry was much older, much more experienced at relationships than Eggsy. He was the epitome of a gentleman, he was probably married with a family Eggsy wanted Harry, to be with him and be like him, but he still wished he could be normal, like his friends. Find a nice, pretty girl and settle down to start a family. No more fantasies about men. 

“When we were kids, lived in the same estate,” Eggsy admitted. “He’s tryna pretend he never knew me when we used to be like, inseparable,”

Harry raised his eyebrows in surprise. “How close were you?” He asked. 

Eggsy swallowed nervously. He could lie, and tell Harry they were merely friends. If he risked the truth, Harry might be as disgusted as Eggsy was with himself. He couldn’t deal with Harry’s rejection. 

“It’s a little weird…” He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. Harry took a seat in an armchair, prompting him to continue. “Well um…we kissed a coupla times, nothing serious ever came of it, it was jus’ for experimenting,” He looked down into his lap with shame, the fidgeting starting again. 

He held his breath while he waited for Harry to respond, not daring to look up and meet his dark eyed gaze. He shifted uncomfortably at the desk, the feeling of being inspected washing over him again, fearing he’d see all the pride drain from his mentor’s face. 

“Well, from what I’ve head of Mr Hesketh and his family, you’re worth far more than he deserves, and it is my opinion that pursuing any relationship with such self-centred snob is futile,” Harry said finally, a carefree tone to his voice. 

Eggsy snapped up suddenly and looked across at Harry, scanning his face. He was smiling slightly, eyes bright and sparking. Eggsy’s shoulders slouched in relief. He smiled back at Harry, making a point to stop his fidgeting. 

“Just try and ignore him, and eventually he’ll tire of trying to bite your ankles,” Harry chided, still smiling cheekily. “Now, Eggsy, if you don’t mind I’d rather like to get on with this lesson.”

***

Eggsy’s blood was still laced with adrenaline and his heart was still racing, even hours after he completed the parachute test. His hands shook slightly with the excitement and he couldn’t stay still. He took JB out for a walk and showered several times to try and blow off steam, but nothing seemed to work. 

He went down to the gym in a last ditch attempt to calm down. He left JB to nap in his bed, exhausted from trying to keep up with Eggsy’s nervous energy. He stripped off his shirt, stretching his arms out above his head. 

He was proud of the way his body looked. He was in shape even before he took on Kingsman’s brutal training routine, the extra exercise had helped maintain his form. He’d grown stronger, he could run further, he had even become a skilful fighter since starting. 

He plugged his headphones into his ears and stepped up to a treadmill. Workouts had become his favourite way to blow off steam. They allowed his mind time to calm down, arrange his thoughts into some sense and order. 

Eggsy couldn’t focus on anything, his mind still fried from the adrenaline. He wanted to play the parachute test over in his mind, to relive the moment, but he couldn’t even focus on that. Thoughts were flying around like paper planes in his head, useless and petty, lasting only seconds. 

He focused in on thoughts of Harry, collecting them all together to form an image of the man in his mind. He felt his heart and stomach tighten as he pictured him, long legs and broad shoulders and a beautiful bespoke suit. He imagined the way Harry’s lips looked when he smiled, the slight coyness to it. He pictured the lines on his face and his glasses and his dark chocolate eyes. Before he knew it, Eggsy’s mind had drifted to darker places. 

He pictured Harry’s body, littered with scars from past missions. His suit worked wonders to hide how wonderfully powerful and beautiful his body really was. Eggsy imagined Harry’s body pressing down over his own, powerful muscles pinning him to the bed they shared. He imagined Harry kissing him possessively, owning him with his mouth, and running his fingertips along his sensitive hipbones. 

By the end of his run, Eggsy was half hard and sweating with arousal. He slowed to a jog and paused the music thumping through his headphones. He couldn’t tear his mind away from the image of Harry, owning and dominating him. 

“Late afternoon run, Eggy?” A voice from behind him chuckled. 

Eggsy turned on his heel and glared at Charlie, hoping the sight of him would lessen the bulge in his pants. Eggsy couldn’t deny that Charlie was attractive. He was no Harry, but his pretty blue eyes and height stirred something in his Eggsy’s stomach. He wasn’t sure if it was the familiarity of his childhood attraction or if this new, grown-up Charlie really did rile something up inside him. 

Either way, it worried him. He shouldn’t be attracted to boys, let alone one like Charlie. His feelings at fifteen shouldn’t matter to him anymore, he should’ve moved on long ago. He tried to convince himself that Charlie and Harry were just his exceptions, so extraordinarily handsome that everyone fell for their good lucks and charming manner. 

“What do you want?” Eggsy asked, turning away again. 

Charlie shrugged. He didn’t want to admit he’d been admiring Eggsy from his side of the room, watching the film of sweat appear over his body. The muscles of his back were particularly enthralling, still tight from the excitement of their parachute test. 

“Well can y’ fuck off?” Eggsy sighed, glancing up momentarily. Charlie pushed himself away from the wall that he leaned on and took a few steps towards him. “Don’t start, can’t be arsed right now.” 

“Where’s the fun in that?” Charlie chuckled, stepping closer to Eggsy. His eyes drifted up and down his body, smirking slightly. 

Eggsy, flushed, hoping his bulge wasn’t too noticeable. He didn’t need Charlie pestering him into revealing the thoughts behind it. “Seriously Charlie, fuck off,”

Charlie stepped even closer until he was in Eggsy’s space, their noses only several inches apart. He smirked, eyes drifting to Eggsy’s lips momentarily. “We haven’t been alone together in a long time,” He breathed. 

Eggsy tried to back away, backing into the treadmill. “We ain’t goin’ there again, cuz,” Eggsy warned, heart pounding in his chest. He avoided Charlie’s gaze, trying desperately to sneak around him to escape.

“Why not? No one needs to know,” Charlie said softly. His hand crept up to cup Eggsy’s hip, sending a shiver down the shorter man’s spine. 

***

Harry Hart stepped into Merlin’s office with two steaming mugs of tea, setting one down at his side. The large monitor played camera footage of the Kingsman gym, where two people stood so close it would appear they were kissing. 

Harry peered over Merlin’s shoulder to look at the screen in greater detail. One of the two was definitely Eggsy. He was pinned to one of the treadmills, wearing nothing but a pair of fairly tight shorts. Even in the grainy footage of the camera, Harry could see how toned and chiselled his body was. 

A surge of protective jealousy came over him. Eggsy wasn’t his, their age gap and current relationship assured that would never happen. He wanted him, ever since he saw the look of awe in his eyes as Harry effortlessly took down Dean’s friends. He had to admit, he had been aiming to impress. 

Harry leant in closer in to look at the monitor, trying to identify the other boy. He was too close to his Eggsy for his liking. He knew Eggsy would never reciprocate his feelings, he was just an aging friend of his father’s, but Harry still wanted to shield him from others. His jealousy wouldn’t allow him to stand by and watch other men try and use Eggsy. 

“Who is he with?” He asked eventually, taking a seat next to Merlin. 

“Mr Hesketh, I believe,” He replied, taking a sip of his tea. 

Harry froze momentarily, remembering his conversation with Eggsy earlier in the week. The protective urge burst in his chest again. He wanted to run down to that gym and rip Charlie away from him, throw him to the ground and make him sorry for ever treating him so appallingly. For toying with his emotions in such a way that Eggsy was left confused about his feelings. Harry could tell from a mile away that his attraction towards him hadn’t faded with time. 

Without thinking, Harry leant across to Merlin’s microphone. “Mr Hesketh? If you want to continue your training I suggest you turn around and walk away from Mr Unwin right this second, or else I shall personally go down there and make you sorry for ever treating someone so dreadfully, do I make myself clear?” He said. 

Both boys on camera reacted to the voice, heads snapping up in search of the voice. Charlie backed away from Eggsy, hands in the air as if to surrender. He backed out of view of the camera angle, and eventually Eggsy’s body slouched forwards as it relaxed. 

Harry leant away from the microphone, smiling to himself as he watched Eggsy gather his things to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Title: A Month of Sunshine by Fever Dreamer  
> Feel free to talk to me on my [Tumblr!](http://christiancat.tumblr.com/)


	5. With Nobody Else But Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Eggsy have 24 hours together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahaha I need to learn to write at a sensible time. I need to learn to write good first though amirite?? No but seriously I rewrote this three times and I'm actually quite proud and very inspired to write a hartwin sequel when this is done. Thanks for reading!

Harry tried to remain calm during the cab ride home, but he was buzzing with excitement and pride for his young protégé. He couldn’t wipe the smile off his face, couldn’t stop grabbing Eggsy by the shoulders to hug him or congratulate him. He hadn’t felt such overwhelming pride since he bought Lee Unwin back to his home to celebrate his success within Kingsman. 

His home hadn’t changed much since he invited Lee Unwin in for their 24 hours together. Mr Pickles had a new home in his bathroom, and his bug collection had grown, but other than that his house was exactly as it had been. 

Eggsy had sat in the same armchair that his father had and it struck Harry how alike the two truly were. He had the same strong jaw and blue-green eyes, the same toothy grin. Harry didn’t recall ever feeling a flutter in his chest whenever Lee smiled, or whenever he heard his laugh. The two were drunk from their martini lesson, and Harry could feel his inhibitions starting to slip. 

Eggsy sat on a barstool in Harry’s front room, legs swinging as he sipped his drink casually. He’d removed his jacket, revealing several small moles along his arms. Harry watched him, admiring the excited happiness in his eyes and his slight smile. The boy was completely unaware of what he did to Harry. 

“I gotta be honest Harry,” Eggsy started, glancing up at his mentor with a cheeky grin. “Never knew martinis are made with gin,”

Harry chuckled as he watched Eggsy down the rest of his drink. “Well now you know. I best not ever catch you with a vodka martini, my dear,” He chuckled. He’d noticed he’d started to use affectionate pet names to refer to Eggsy, becoming more possessive of the boy. 

“Gin’s better than vodka anyway Haz,” Eggsy replied. 

Harry watched him twirl the empty glass between his fingers. He wanted to grab him and kiss his neck, leave purple bruising along his collarbones. He wanted to feel Eggsy’s fingers clawing at his shirt, hear little whimpers fall from his lips as he desperately tried to rock his hips against Harry’s. 

“You can make the next one, dear,” He said calmly, pushing his empty glass towards Eggsy. A panicked look washed over his eyes for a split second, before he picked up their two empty glasses and slipped out of his seat. Harry’s eyes trailed down his body as he stepped behind the bar. 

He knew he couldn’t have Eggsy the way he wanted him. He couldn’t lay him down on his bed gently and slowly undress him, taking the time to explore every inch of him. Eggsy was ethereal in Harry’s eyes, he deserved to be loved and cherished and worshipped. 

Harry watched as Eggsy made the drinks, giving him a reassuring nod every time he looked up. Eggsy constantly needed approval and praise and Harry found it overwhelmingly endearing. 

“There we go, two proper martinis,” Eggsy said proudly, sliding Harry his drink. He watched as his mentor took a sip, waiting for a sign that he’d done a good job. Harry awarded him with an approving noise, smiling around his glass as the boy’s eyes lit up 

Eggsy took a sip of his drink and leant across the bar, nose only several inches from Harry’s. He could smell his cologne, cedarwood with something a little more floral on top. His eyes drifted down to his lips, a curious thought starting to form. 

“What’s on your mind?” Harry asked quietly, placing his glass down on the bar. 

Eggsy shrugged and met his eyes again. “Why ain’t you married? Handsome bloke like yourself deserves some hot blonde girl or somethin’,” He asked, the teasing note returning to his voice. 

Harry chuckled and shook his head slightly. “Well first of all, why did you assume that I would want to marry a woman?” He asked. 

Eggsy’s eyes widened as he leant back slightly. A confused look came over his face. 

“Don’t it freak you out? That you don’t like girls?” He asked quietly. 

Harry shrugged and sipped his drink. “No, why should it? It’s only a small part of who I am,” He seemed surprised at Eggsy’s question. 

The boy’s eyes sunk a little more, his happy face falling into something concerned, almost frightened. Harry had a vague idea that Eggsy was interested in other boys. He’d seen the way his eyes drifted along the other candidates, sometimes lingering a little too long on Charlie. Occasionally he’d share a little bit of his past with Charlie, his experiments with other boys. He’d never outright asked, knowing he himself wasn’t comfortable with the topic.

“Cause it ain’t normal, Harry,” Eggsy replied with a whine. “Y’ supposed to like girls, like that’s just how it’s meant to be,” 

Harry smiled and shook his head. “Says who?” 

Eggsy paused for a moment, eyes searching the room. “Jus’ how it is,” 

“You’re torn between accepting yourself and living a fulfilling life, and spending the rest of your life in a loveless relationship with someone you have no chemistry with, aren’t you?” 

Eggsy pushed himself off the bar and turned his back to Harry, trying to hide the upset in his eyes. He knew Harry was right. Eggsy was torn between the lust and disgust that burned in his stomach whenever he was around Harry or Charlie. He wished he could escape the confusion, even if for just one single moment of total clarity. Eggsy would give the world to have everything be crystal clear, all his emotions and desires laid out simply before him with no contradictions. 

Harry stood up, leaving his drink and went around the bar to Eggsy, taking him by the shoulders gently. The boy tried to squirm away, murmuring something under his breath. 

“You need to learn to embrace yourself, otherwise you’ll just be miserable,” He said softly, pulling him against his chest and holding him there. He secured his arms around his chest and rested his head on his shoulder, trying to convince Eggsy to relax against him. “I need you to trust me now darling,” He said softly in his ear. 

Eggsy swallowed hard, eventually leaning back against Harry. He tried to control the rapid pounding in his chest, slow down his unruly breathing. He turned in Harry’s arms and pressed their chests together, placing his hands on his hips tentatively. He was shaking with nerves, still confused by the flurry of emotions. 

“I’ve only ever done this with Charlie, like we kissed once or twice and that’s as far as I’ve ever gone,” He admitted, avoiding Harry’s eyes. 

Harry pushed a curl of hair away from Eggsy’s eyes, smiling down at him encouragingly. “Has Charlie ever told you how lovely your eyes are?” 

Eggsy blushed, a tiny smile starting. “No…” He giggled. 

Harry smiled and leant down a little more, nose brushing against Eggsy’s. “Well you deserve to hear that, and you deserve to know how wonderful you really are, my boy,” 

Eggsy’s blush deepened as he attempted to hide his smile. He nuzzled his face into Harry’s collar to hide himself, gigging drunkenly. 

“Darling, I want you to forget every negative thing you’ve ever thought about yourself and your attraction to other men and just trust me, even if only for tonight,” Harry said softly, fingers reaching under Eggsy’s chin to meet his eye once more. 

Eggsy swallowed nervously but nodded anyway. He stepped up on tiptoes to pull himself closer to Harry, moving his arms from his waist to his neck for his balance. 

“We’ll take things at your pace, okay?” Harry’s hands trailed down Eggsy’s back to hold his hips, pulling them against his own. 

Eggsy nodded, finally pressing his lips against Harry’s. He sighed into the kiss, his mind finally quieting enough for him to understand what he wanted. He wanted Harry. 

Harry let Eggsy lead, responding to his gentle prompts with his tongue for access. He allowed him to explore his mouth, slowly feeling his confidence grow. He lapped up every whimper or sigh that the boy gave him, encouraging him to make the next move.

The kiss was nothing like Eggsy had ever experience before. It silenced the ongoing war of emotions in his stomach, enough for him to focus. It was gentle yet there were still hints that maybe there could be something more. Slowly, he began to understand what he wanted, what Harry was offering him. 

He pushed him back against the bar, pushing their hips and chests together. Harry whined against his mouth, moving his hands further down Eggsy’s back to grip his ass. His whole body responded, pushing back against the touch yet leaning deeper into the kiss. 

As gently as he could, Harry lifted the boy by the backs of his thighs, turning them around to sit him on the bar. He immediately wrapped his legs around his waist, arms around in his neck with his hands in his hair. 

Harry pulled away from the kiss to rest his forehead against Eggsy’s. His chest heaved and his lips were swollen. Eggsy looked equally flustered, his eyes dark with lust and desire. 

“Do you trust me?” He asked quietly, fingers combing through his soft hair. Eggsy nodded and leaned forward to kiss him again. “Eggsy, if it gets too much for you, you tell me to stop, alright? I know it’s not easy to try and accept yourself,” 

Eggsy whined impatiently. “I got it bruv, jus’ kiss me again yeah?” 

Harry chuckled and kissed him again. His hands moved to Eggsy’s chest, rubbing over his pectoral muscles. He wanted him shirtless, on his bed and begging for more. He wanted to kiss down the length of his body, make him squirm underneath him. Taking Eggsy to bed and worshipping his body in the way he deserved would be too much for Eggsy, still ever so slightly nervous and hesitant. Maybe another time, if his boy was willing. 

Eggsy’s hands fiddled with the buttons of his shirt, loosening them one by one. Once they were all undone, he ran his hands over Harry’s chest, moaning desperately against his mouth. He pulled back slightly to glance down at Harry’s chest. 

“Oh fuck…” He whimpered, biting down on his lips. Any final confusions he had evaporated, leaving behind the certainty that this was what he wanted. He trailed his fingertips down the exposed skin, eyes wide. 

Harry chuckled and pecked his lips. “Still alright?” He checked. 

Eggsy looked up and nodded, biting down on his lower lip. The feelings of disgust and self-hatred had gone, leaving behind nothing but lust and desire. 

“Can we go a little further?” He asked shyly. 

Harry smiled reassuringly and kissed him deeply again, cupping the back of his neck with one hand. The other hand made his way to Eggsy’s belt, fiddling with the buckle. 

Eggsy tried to push the sudden panic that flared up inside him to the back of his mind. He’d never been so intimate or close with anyone. He squirmed away from Harry’s touch with a whimper. 

Harry coiled back and let go of the buckle. He watched Eggsy’s expression, trying to convince him to meet his gaze. “Would you like me to stop?”

Eggsy went quiet. His hands still rested on Harry’s bare chest but he didn’t dare look at him. He couldn’t deny that he wanted Harry, he trusted him to lead, he just worried that his lack of experience was laughable. Eggsy was probably just a charity case for Harry, he pitied him because he understood the feelings of hatred that ran amok in his head. 

“Is this jus’ a one off, yeah?” He asked. 

Harry shrugged. “It’s whatever you want it to be. If you want it to be one off, it will be. If you want to work on something a little more serious then I’d be willing for that too,” Harry replied, running his hands through Eggsy’s hair to reassure him. 

Eggsy nodded in satisfaction and pulled Harry down by the neck for another kiss. Harry took the kiss as permission to continue, completely undoing his buckle. 

He moved Eggsy’s hands from around his neck to his own belt, guiding his hands to encourage him. His movements were shaky and full of nerves but eventually he slipped a hand in the front of his trousers, palming him over the fabric of his underwear. He moaned quietly to encourage him, pushing his own hand into the front of Eggsy’s jeans. 

Eggsy moaned lewdly, pulling away from the kiss to glance down at the space between their bodies. He leant forwards and kissed his neck, breathing heavily against the flushed skin. He explored the expanse of his throat with his teeth and tongue, lapping up his taste and scent. 

Eggsy whimpered as Harry pulled him closer into his neck by his hair. He rocked his hips against his hand, rubbing him a little more aggressively. He loved having Eggsy below him, loving how pliant and wanton he was beneath his touch. He loved how nervous and inexperienced he was in his own touches, exploring Harry with wide eyes and jerkish movements. 

Eggsy tightened his legs around Harry’s waist, quiet moans tumbling from his mouth. He tugged on the waistband of Harry’s underwear, slipping his fingers beneath the fabric. He smiled against the skin of his neck at the groan of approval that came from deep within his throat. 

Harry took Eggsy’s growing confidence as permission to touch him more. He pushed his hand into his tight boxer briefs and wrapped his hand around his cock, lifting his chin up with his free hand to kiss him possessively again. 

Eggsy whined in pleasure, kissing him back with equal passion and want. He copied Harry’s movements, sneaking a hand past the elastic of his underwear. His breath caught in his throat at the contact, a new sensation washing over him. 

Eggsy had dreamt of touching Harry, kissing him as they made love in his king size bed. He knew his inexperience shined through in his shy movements, but Harry’s moans encouraged him to stroke his cock a little faster. 

Harry’s free hand tangled in Eggsy’s hair, pulling so tight it almost hurt. Eggsy groaned at the sensation, just on the right side of painful. His teeth tugged on Harry’s lower lip to reciprocate the pain, smiling as the man hissed. 

Harry growled and quickened his pace, drawing long desperate moans from his boy. His chest heaved as he tried to copy Harry’s pace. 

“Fuck! Fuck Haz, ‘m so close…” He gasped, head tipping back to expose his throat. Harry took advantage of the opportunity and latched his lips onto the column of his throat, sucking a light bruise into the pale flesh. 

Eggsy whined lewdly and came over Harry’s hand, hips snapping up off the bar. His back arched, pushing him further into Harry. 

Harry gasped as Eggsy’s grip tightened, enough to send him over the edge. He collapsed onto the boy, tugging tighter at his hair as he took in the scent of his aftershave. 

Slowly, he caught his breath and straightened up, removing his hand from the front of Eggsy’s jeans. He left the boy panting on the bar to find something to clean them off with, mumbling a promise to return in a moment. 

Eggsy was shell shocked. He nearly couldn’t believe what had just happened, if it weren’t for the ache in his thighs and the sticky mess covering his hand. He struggled the breath, trying to battle the flurry of emotions that had returned to him. 

He wanted Harry, he wanted him again and again in every way, and he wanted Harry to want him. He wanted Harry to teach him more about himself and to open his world up to new experiences. If he could show him everything he’d been shying away from his whole life and show him that he had nothing to be ashamed of, Eggsy would gladly spend the rest of his life with Harry. 

Yet still he couldn’t shake the repulsion that had built up inside from years of self-hate. No matter how hard he tried to convince himself that there was nothing wrong with his preference, the shame sat heavy on his chest. He wanted to accept himself, embrace his interest and live a happy life with someone who excited him. Despite how hard he tried, he couldn’t shake the fear. If Harry could banish all the doubt and hate from his mind, Eggsy wouldn’t think twice about a relationship with him.

Harry returned with a cloth, handing it over to Eggsy. He kissed his cheek gently and rubbed his shoulder, stepping into the boy’s space. 

“Are you alright, my darling?” He asked softly. 

Eggsy nodded and sniffled, cleaning himself up. “I know I like men, yeah, jus’ wish I didn’t,” 

Harry placed his hands on his waist and kissed his forehead. “You’re drunk and tired, come to bed,” 

Eggsy cuddled into his arms, pulling him closer by the shoulders. Harry’s arms wrapped around his body, lifting him up off the bar to carry him up to bed. He cradled him against his chest, letting him wrap his legs around his waist. 

He carried Eggsy up to his bedroom, setting him down on the bed with his arms above his head. He smiled affectionately at the sight beneath him: a sleepy eyed Eggsy looking up at him with a slight frown on his face. He leant down over him, kissing his lips tenderly. 

Eggsy smiled shyly and pecked him back, holding onto his neck to keep him there. “Harry, babe, I wish I weren’t so gone for you,” He mumbled. 

“Better than being gone for a prick like Charlie though, wouldn’t you agree?” Harry replied, grinning down at his boy. Eggsy’s smile faltered for a split second. “What’s wrong?” 

“Sometimes I get scared that I still like Charlie like I did when I first kissed him,” He mumbled nervously, biting down on his lip. “Like in the gym, the other day? A part of me wanted him to kiss me, even though I woulda spent the rest of the day beatin’ myself up over it,”

Harry smiled a little and rolled over to lie by Eggsy’s side, threading his fingers through his hair. “Well I’m overly possessive and easily jealous, so I’d rather you were only interested in me, my love,” He said nonchalantly. 

Eggsy giggled and rolled into his arms, nuzzling his cheek against his neck. “It still don’t feel right, likin’ boys and all that jazz,”

“That’s why we’re taking this at your pace my dear, if this is what you want, that is,” He wrapped his arms around the smaller man, letting his head rest on his chest. 

Eggsy nodded against him, eyes drifting closed. His head spun from the alcohol and his body was wracked with the excitement from the day. His tired mind decided that despite the discomfort brewing inside him, Harry’s arms were warm and inviting and Eggsy at least wanted to attempt falling in love with him. He’d make something work, in spite of the age gap and in spite of the conflicting feelings inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Genghis Khan - Miike Snow  
> Feel free to talk to me on my [Tumblr!](http://christiancat.tumblr.com/)


	6. How am I the Lucky One?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> V-Day. Harry is dead, but someone else has survived.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol this is shit k guys?? Anyway I hope people still like this, I'm having to rush it so I can get it finished before I go away for the week. Thank you all so much for reading and bookmarking and kudos-ing, it really means the absolute world to me.

Eggsy arrived on the jet breathless, his hair and suit a sweaty mess. His mind was unfocused and racing with adrenaline, his thoughts nothing but a train wreck. His mind was a rollercoaster of emotions, still buzzed with the excitement of making it to the final two and learning more about himself. He was still disappointed and angry with himself for failing to take Lancelot’s place. The deaths he’d just witnessed hadn’t sunk in yet. Eggsy forced the adrenaline to keep pumping, hoping it would keep his mind side-tracked for a little longer. 

“Right, let’s jus’ get the fuck outta here,” Eggsy said, slumping down in an armchair. He tugged his glasses from his face and rubbed his eyes. 

Merlin swivelled around in his chair and shook his head. Years of experience had hardened his expression and made him immune to what had just happened. To the loss both he and Eggsy were refusing to face. 

“Not yet lad, someone needs to go and check for survivors,” He said, giving Eggsy a look that said he expected him to go. 

For a brief moment, Eggsy pictured Valentine’s ballroom and the hallways littered with headless, bloody bodies. Instinctively he knew that not one of those bodies had a heartbeat. An odd guilt hung over him in the knowledge that he had told Merlin to kill all those people. He shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose to try and wipe the image from his mind. 

“It’s Kingsman protocol, Eggsy,” Merlin scolded. “No matter how unlikely the chances of finding someone alive, an agent is required to renter the field if it is safe to look for any survivors,” 

Eggsy wasn’t listening to his lecture. There was no way he was going back into the bunker. Merlin waited for him to look up, tapping his foot impatiently. 

“Fine, I’ll go,” He sighed in annoyance, grabbing his weapon before leaving the cabin. 

Eggsy listened to his feet on the metal steps of the jet, finally relaxing in the chair once he’d left. He closed his eyes tightly, trying to shake the guilt and the horror that sat on his chest. 

A bullet hurtled towards him behind his closed eyes. The sound of the shot echoed in his ears, ringing at an unbearably high pitch. Eggsy’s eyes flew open but the ringing didn’t stop. He bit his lip to hold back tears, blinking hard. 

Harry Hart was gone. Dead. Not even he could come back from that. Eggsy had watched as the bullet came towards him. He’d seen the camera lens fly back until all it was focused on was the calm of the blue sky, the tower of the church a black shadow against the peacefulness. 

Eggsy hadn’t given himself time to mourn him. No sooner had the realisation of what had happened sunk in, he drank to his death and decided at least he could try and aid Arthur in their investigations. Maybe that would make Harry proud. 

Would Harry be proud? He killed so many people – how many of those needed to die? He allowed Valentine to kill hundreds of thousands, he should’ve stopped him sooner. All Eggsy ever wanted was for Harry to be proud of him. 

He wiped a stray tear from his cheek and cursed himself for being so weak. He wasn’t true Kingsman material, real Kingsman didn’t cry over death. They soldiered on and accepted it as part of the job.

Merlin returned suddenly, the sound of his feet on the metal steps of the jet startled him. A second pair of feet followed shortly behind. Eggsy looked up in curiosity, hoping his eyes weren’t too red from tears. 

Merlin appeared in the doorway, avoiding eye contact with Eggsy. He shuffled through the cabin to place his gun back in its holder, allowing room for the second person to enter. Eggsy’s jaw hit the floor when their eyes met. 

Charlie stood in the doorway, eyes red and cheeks streaked with tear stains. His clothes were a mess and his hair had fallen from its hold, almost standing on end. He started at Eggsy with a wide eyed glare, looking nearly fearful of him. 

“Why the fuck ain’t you dead?” Eggsy asked rudely, hoping Charlie couldn’t tell he was at breaking point too. 

Charlie took a seat opposite him and shrugged. The privileged confidence that usually oozed from him had gone. Instead there was a nervous boy, similar to the boy who would check around corners for Eggsy’s stepfather. The horrors of that bunker had completely washed away the grown man who Eggsy wished he could hate, and left behind the nervous fourteen year old boy he fell in love with. 

Aggravated, Eggsy stood and moved to the back of the cabin, sitting with his back to the others. He slipped his shoes off and shrugged his jacket from his shoulders, curling into the comfy armchair. He sighed and closed his eyes, opening them again as soon as that gunshot rang through his mind. 

Merlin readied the jet for take-off, humming a pre-flight checklist under his breath. He decided to avoid both the young men in his cabin and keep his sorrows to himself. He wished he could reach out to Eggsy and explain he cared for Harry just as much as he did, but a part of him knew Eggsy was losing more than just a mentor. He didn’t know exactly what was going on between Harry and his young protégé, but the spring in his step and the secretive smile on his face as he walked into HQ after their 24 hours together was the happiest Merlin had seen him for a long time. 

Eggsy dreaded to think exactly what he was losing. Did Harry really want him? Did Harry really want to wake up every morning to Eggsy strewn across his bed, hair an unattractive mess and his mouth hanging open? Did he really want to bundle that mess of a boy into his arms and litter his face with little kisses? Eggsy couldn’t fathom anyone wanting him that much. 

Waking up in Harry’s arms after a night of newfound pleasures was a moment Eggsy will never forget. Harry’s arms were warm and his chest made the perfect pillow. His fingers had toyed with loose strands of Eggsy’s hair as he slowly came too, smiling down at him sleepily. Eggsy felt like he was the most beloved creature on earth. Harry had kissed him sweetly, hand cupping his chin to hold his head in place. Eggsy had whined and complained about the pounding headache, and Harry had merely chuckled and kissed it better. 

And all that was gone. Harry was gone. Every hungover morning they could’ve spent together had been dragged from his reach before he’d even had a chance to appreciate what was really being offered. All the lessons Eggsy was yet to learn, the little pearls of wisdom that Harry occasionally shared. 

He sighed and tried to close his eyes without relieving that moment. Perhaps it would be better if Harry had left for Kentucky with nothing but pride for his boy. Harry had left angry and disappointed, ready to give up on Eggsy. Perhaps the promise of a new relationship was conditional: Eggsy had to prove himself first and he failed. 

Somehow, he managed to catch some sleep, curled in the armchair of the jet. He was restless, flashes of that bullet and the headless bodies in the ballroom coming across him once in a while. He didn’t awake until the jet landed to collect Roxy. 

He stayed hidden in the armchair, hoping Roxy would have some sense to leave him alone. He loved her dearly, but he couldn’t be bothered to share his thoughts. That required organising them into something coherent. 

Several minutes later the jet started to move again, and Eggsy was still alone in his armchair. He sighed in relief, hoping he could force his mind to sleep for the remainder of the journey. His whole body ached from all the running and fighting. He needed to sleep so that he could pretend he was okay for his mother back home. 

He hadn’t realised he was asleep until a heavy hand on his shoulder shook him awake. His eyes flew open, level with Charlie’s bloodshot blue ones. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, groaning in exhaustion. “What?” He mumbled in annoyance. 

“Roxy said your mother and sister are fine, she’s trying to get some rest,” Charlie said quietly, taking the seat opposite Eggsy. “My whole family died.” He added, staring down into his lap sadly. 

Eggsy nodded in acknowledgement, unsure of what to say. He remembered Charlie’s family from his visits to his home. His father had been an honest, hardworking man who occasionally slipped into a depression. He had three siblings, two younger sisters and an older brother. He remembered how cramped their estate flat had been. 

“I’m sorry,” Eggsy said guiltily after a while. 

Charlie shrugged. “You did what you had to do I suppose. I still don’t know how I survived,” He avoided looking at Eggsy, afraid he’d see the person he wished he could become. A handsome, suave gentleman who wore only the finest bespoke suits and travelled around the world foiling terrorist plots.

He tried to convince himself that Eggsy didn’t deserve that. He was just street trash, a useless piece of garbage that could disappear from the face of the earth and no one would care. In reality, he couldn’t bring himself to hate the man. He hated his background, the place they’d grown up and the shitty little council flat, but Eggsy was simply his favourite part of those bad memories. Eggsy deserved Kingsman more than he did, he worked tirelessly for it.

“I don’t wanna talk about it right now, Charlie, we both lost too much at the minute,” He sighed, rubbing his eyes. 

He leant forwards to be closer to Eggsy, looking down at his feet. “I’m sorry I was such a twat,” He said quietly. 

Eggsy scoffed and turned away, curling more into the armchair. “Okay Charlie,” He said sarcastically. 

Charlie reached across and took Eggsy’s hand, not allowing Eggsy to wriggle away. He squeezed his fingertips, tight enough to force Eggsy to look up at him. He didn’t look touched or swayed by his half-hearted apology. 

“I mean it, I’m sorry, I treated you like shit because I associated you with the part of my life I wanted to pretend never happened,” He said, meeting Eggsy’s tired eyes. He hoped he could see how genuine he meant to be. 

Eggsy didn’t try and pull his hand away but he ignored his stare, looking pointedly off to the side. He was too tired to really listen and understand what was being said to him. In reality, it was just an excuse. 

“Are you listening to me?” Charlie asked, squeezing Eggsy’s fingers. 

Eggsy shook his head. He didn’t want to listen to Charlie make excuses, he wanted to catch some sleep before they landed and he had to pretend to be okay and unaffected by the loss. 

Charlie shuffled closer to try again. He wanted to kiss every bruise along his cheekbones away, run his fingers through his tangled hair and hold him until the horrors of what they both had witnessed had ebbed out of their system and left a peaceful numbness behind. 

“I shouldn’t have pushed you out of my life like I did, I’m sorry, Eggsy,” He said quietly. 

Eggsy was surprised to hear Charlie say his name properly. Maybe he really was sorry. 

“Why did we even stop talking?” Eggsy asked, finally pulling his hand out of Charlie’s grip. He tucked it under his arm and nestled his head into the arm of the chair, trying to get comfy again. 

Charlie shrugged. “I was confused and angry about what happened, you remember that, don’t you?” Eggsy nodded, his cheeks turning pink. “I just didn’t really want to admit to myself what I was feeling. And the boys at school made fun of people like you so I just sort of picked up on it to blend in,

Eggsy sighed tiredly and rubbed his eyes. “Yeah, I know what you mean bruv,” He chuckled, a small smile on his face. “Are we bein’ honest now?”

Charlie shrugged. “Sure, if you want to tell me something you’re more than welcome to,”

Eggsy swung his legs off the seat and leant forwards so he could whisper. “I was always upset and confused about what I was feelin’ too, tried to hide it but sometimes I was worried I was bein’ too obvious,” He admitted, an embarrassed smirk pulling at the corners of his mouth. 

Charlie’s eyes went wide. He searched Eggsy’s face for some signs of a lie, trying to think of something to respond with. His feelings for Eggsy resurfaced when he walked into the candidates’ room in his bomber jacket and snapback cap. He instantly remembered how sweetly handsome he was, the softness to his face that had now disappeared. Eggsy as a grown man looked haggard and beaten, but no less attractive. 

“I was too scared of what you’d think of me if I made any moves,” Eggsy said once the silence had grown uncomfortable. 

“Me too…” Charlie said quietly, nodding his head in understanding. 

Eggsy snuggled back into his chair, swinging his legs back up onto the seat. He rested his head on the arm and closed his eyes. 

The weight he expected to be lifted through his confession was still there. He still felt tied down and confused about how he was feeling. Maybe the tightness in his chest was no longer for Charlie, but instead for Harry, in which case it would never leave him. 

Charlie sighed and leant back in his chair. “We’ll talk more when we land then, okay? Maybe we could start over anew, try and work out some common ground to build on,” 

Eggsy smiled sleepily and nestled into the comfort of the armchair. “Maybe, not makin’ any promises though, yeah bruv?”

“Fair enough, you get some rest now,” He said quietly, trying to hold back the hopeful smile that threatened to burst across his face. He stood from his seat and moved to the front of the cabin again, to give Eggsy the peace and quiet he so desperately needed. On his way past, he leant down to push a stray strand of hair from his face, trying to act like the sleepy smile Eggsy gave him didn’t tie his stomach in knots. 

Eggsy settled in the armchair to sleep for the rest of the journey. Perhaps Charlie would be what he needed after losing Harry. It wasn’t like Harry was ever his, it was only an offering of something more. But nonetheless, maybe Charlie was what he needed to fill the hole in his future. He was willing to try, discuss the issue some more when his mind had recovered from the shocks of the last few days. 

Maybe Charlie could be the one to take his mind and silence all the confusion and hatred, just like Harry had done when he kissed him. That was all he’d ever wanted as a teenaged boy, for Charlie to want him just as much as he wanted him. 

He was still hurt by Charlie’s words, his cruel and pointless pranks and his superior attitude. He didn’t accept his excuse, but what choice did he have? It was accept the apology as it was or leave without filling the potential hole in his future. He’d already lost Kingsman and Harry. He needed Charlie, even if his only purpose was to help him get over all the loss and shock. 

He drifted in and out of sleep for the remainder of the journey, mind flashing with hazy nightmares of the bunker and the church. He couldn’t imagine what it must’ve been like for Charlie, to come around to a room full of headless bodies – to find your own family amongst them. He was thankful that his little family were safe. 

Charlie shook him awake when the plane arrived back at HQ, taking Eggsy’s hand to help him down the steps. The red had mostly left his eyes and he appeared much more composed than when he first set foot on the jet back at Valentine’s bunker. He scrawled a number on Eggsy’s hand as a final goodbye, promising to get in touch sooner or later. Eggsy watched as Merlin escorted him away, reminding him of the body bag with his name on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: First - Cold War Kids  
> Feel free to talk to me on my [Tumblr!](http://christiancat.tumblr.com/)


	7. I Don't Mind Bleeding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months since V-day and Eggsy finally has what he's always wanted: Charlie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter! Thank you everyone for reading this piece of trash, it really does mean a lot to me. Feedback is also really great so let me know what you thought of the whole thing if you like. I'm going away for the week, but when I get back I'm gonna start planning out a sequel to this, but a much more Hartwin-central sequel cause they're still my main baes. Okay, thank you all again and I hope you all enjoy this last part :)

Charlie awoke to the sound of thunder rumbling outside and the weight of his lover lying across his stomach. He blinked the sleep from his eyes and stretched his arms above his head, careful not to disturb the small family he’d collected since V-Day. 

Eggsy’s legs wrapped around Charlie’s, his head rested on his diaphragm. His arms wrapped around Charlie’s neck, one hand in his hair. His mouth had fallen open and his hair was a mess. Charlie threaded his fingers through his hair, admiring how the July sun had turned some strands blond. He trailed his hands down his neck and across his shoulders, tanned golden by his latest trip abroad. His skin was as warm as it looked, soft beneath his calloused hands. 

Eggsy’s dog – a nightmare of a pug that liked to chew shoes and couldn’t follow orders to save his life – lay at their feet. He was a clingy dog, never more than a few feet away from his beloved owner. Charlie had always laughed at the ridiculous creature, at Eggsy for not realising he was a pug. Since Eggsy had moved in with him, the stupid dog had captured his heart too. He too was guilty of spoiling the daft animal. 

He listened to the thunder for a while, ignoring the flashes of lightning that shone through the closed blinds. He trailed his hands across Eggsy’s body, rubbing the bruises along his arms tenderly. He never asked how the bruises came about, Eggsy probably wasn’t even allowed to tell him. Since V-Day, Eggsy had the life Charlie could only dream of. He was constantly running around on missions, fixing the mess the world had made of itself. It made keeping their relationship together a challenge, but no more difficult than convincing Eggsy to forgive him. 

Charlie wasn’t afraid to admit that he had to pester Eggsy to win him over. He called him relentlessly, showed up outside his work and his home, trying to convince Eggsy to give him a shot at redemption. Eventually, Eggsy gave in and agreed to one date. 

Eventually the weight lying on him shifted, and his eyes blinking open. He rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, arching his back in a stretch. He rested his head on Charlie’s shoulder, sighing tiredly. 

“Good morning my love,” Charlie said quietly, resting his head against Eggsy’s. “Sleep okay?”

Eggsy didn’t believe it when Charlie used affections to speak to him. There was something artificial about it all, overly possessive in a way Eggsy wasn’t entirely comfortable with. Like Eggsy was simply an attractive trophy in a suit that Charlie could show off to all his rich friends. 

Eggsy smiled and tilted his chin to kiss his cheek sweetly. Despite the occasional sense that he was only there to look good on Charlie’s arm, he couldn’t deny he loved the moments spent in private. He loved the warmth of waking up in his arms, to gentle kisses against his forehead. He loved climbing into bed after a stressful mission to find his lover there, someone who had truly missed him. 

“The usual,” He replied. He rolled over to cuddle into Charlie’s side, sighing as his arms wrapped around him. He burrowed his face into Charlie’s side, inhaling the remnants of his cologne. 

Since V-Day Eggsy had become a restless sleeper. He often awoke in a position he didn’t remember getting himself into, sprawled out across their bed, kicking Charlie accidentally. He didn’t necessarily have nightmares, but sometimes he would wake with the remnants of some awful dread hanging over him. 

Charlie kissed the top of his head and pulled him closer, smoothing his shirt down his back. “Maybe talking about it would help you?” Eggsy rolled his eyes and turned away again, staring up at the ceiling. “I’m serious my love, maybe it’ll make you feel better,”

“It’s not like you’s over it either, cuz,” Eggsy mumbled, unable to hide the defensive tone in his voice. He rolled away from Charlie, curling into a protective ball.

“I lost my entire family Eggsy, what about you? You’ve never told me exactly what or who was taken,” Charlie said softly. He rolled over to spoon him, wrapping his leg over Eggsy’s waist. “I just want to know what I can do to help,” His lips grazed over Eggsy’s jaw, mouthing a gentle kiss into the tanned skin. 

Eggsy didn’t squirm away of lean into the embrace. He tried to pretend that Charlie wasn’t there, despite the affection he so desperately needed. As he said, Charlie had lost his entire immediate family. Eggsy had only lost a man who’d given him a drunken handjob on a bar and yet he was still shaken by it. V-Day hadn’t taken shit from him. 

“Eggsy, my dear,” He said softly, nipping at the corner of his jaw. “Talk to me?”

“It don’t matter,” He mumbled, staying as still as he could. He wanted to melt into Charlie’s embrace, let him kiss along his jaw and massage the bruises decorating his body.

“It matters to me,” He replied, kissing Eggsy’s earlobe, knowing it made him weak. 

Eggsy bit back a whine and tried not to rock his hips back against Charlie. “It’s stupid, like it ain’t nothing compared to y’self,” He whined, wrapping further into himself. 

Charlie rolled him over and bundled the boy up in his arms so that he couldn’t escape, attacking his face with delicate pecks. Eggsy’s fists balled against his chest as he struggled, whining in annoyance. “Doesn’t matter, I want you to open up,” 

“Y’ can’t jus’ force me to talk about it!” He whined, hiding his face in Charlie’s neck. 

“Just tell me and get it over with,” He insisted, tangling his fingers in his soft hair. He held him there, not letting him escape from his grasp. 

Eggsy gave up his half-hearted struggle. He could easily escape if he truly wanted to, Charlie knew that. He hadn’t realised how desperate he was for the love. He relaxed in Charlie’s arms and tangled their legs together, nuzzling into his chest. 

He closed his eyes and pictured Harry. Harry Hart, with his long legs and beautiful bespoke suits. His confident, cocky smirk and eyes like melted chocolate. He took Eggsy under his wing and gave him a whole new lease of life. He taught Eggsy how to be confident, how to accept himself flaws and all. He cared for Eggsy like no one else had, wanted him in a way he didn’t think anyone could. 

He didn’t mean to compare Charlie to Harry, but not even Charlie cared for him as much as Harry did. When Harry used possessive pet names, they were caring and full of love. Waking up alongside Harry with a splitting headache was far more incredible than waking up next to Charlie. Harry’s kisses had the power to completely silence Eggsy’s overworked brain, whereas Charlie left him questioning. Harry worked on turning Eggsy into a confident young man who fully understood his potential and his desires. Charlie could say something innocent enough, but it would eat away at his confidence. 

“I lost my mentor from Kingsman,” He admitted quietly. 

Charlie forced himself not to scoff. “That’s it?” 

Eggsy flushed and squirmed uncomfortably in his arms. He knew it was stupid, he shouldn’t be so attached to Harry but he’d never felt so close to anyone. Charlie never gave him that warm feeling in his chest. 

“He meant a lot to me, Charlie…” He mumbled quietly. 

“Oh I’m sure, I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid, I’m just saying you need to try and move on,” He rubbed down his back, his other hand in his hair. He hadn’t meant to sound rude, but he wouldn’t stand for Eggsy’s petty moping. Sometimes, he had to be cruel to be kind with Eggsy.

“I’m tryin’,” He sighed and nuzzled into his chest some more. He wished he could remember what Harry’s cologne was like, so that he could convince himself that Charlie smelt the same. 

“Why were you so close to him? Is it because of your father?” Charlie asked. 

Eggsy took a deep breath and begin to recount his relationship with Harry. He let his trust for Charlie get the better of him as he spilled every thought and feeling he had for the man, not caring how intimate or embarrassing that detail was. He mentioned their encounter outside Holborn police station, Harry’s quest to make a proper gentleman of him, and their 24 hours together. He could feel the tears starting so he shut himself up quick, burrowing further into Charlie’s chest. 

“I mean, everyone does stupid things when they’re drunk, Eggsy, maybe he was just taking advantage?” Charlie suggested after a few minutes of silence. The thunder outside had begun to drift away and the rain was slowing, the first rays of sunshine coming through the open curtains. 

Eggsy shrugged. “Why would y’ think that?”

“Because you’re easy to take advantage of,” 

“Oh,” 

Charlie hadn’t meant to hurt him, so he quickly wrapped his arms tighter around Eggsy’s body and kissed the top of his head. He was simply being honest. Eggsy could easily come across as cocky and confident, but he knew that was to hide his insecurities, and it didn’t take much to see through that mask. 

“Maybe he took advantage of you, maybe he genuinely wanted something, who knows? He’s dead now, so it doesn’t matter,” He added to try and smooth things over. “What’s the point of getting yourself worked up when you’re never going to get an answer?”

Eggsy didn’t understand how Charlie could be so blasé about it all. About his feelings. He was supposed to care, no matter how stupid he was being. He was too tired to fight, and what would be the point? He could never win against Charlie, he always had the last word. 

“And now you’re stuck with me,” Charlie said to lighten the mood, tilting Eggsy’s chin up to kiss him softly. 

Eggsy smiled into the kiss but he wanted to move away. Charlie was holding onto him so tightly he had no hope of escaping without knocking the other unconscious. He’d learnt fairly quickly that hitting Charlie to get away from him wasn’t a good idea, he’d just hit him back twice as hard. 

Charlie’s kisses were nothing like they’d been when they were younger. The gentle, experimental edge had gone and now he was controlling and possessive. Gentle kisses were a rarity saved for sleepy mornings in bed and late arrivals home. 

“Guess this is worth it then,” He chuckled quietly, nibbling on his lower lip teasingly. 

Charlie laughed in agreement and loosened his grip on Eggsy’s shoulders. “Come on, breakfast?” He suggested. 

Eggsy shook his head and wriggled away while he could. He lay flat on his back and stretched out his sore muscles again. “I’m gonna stay here for a bit, still shattered babe,” 

Charlie leant across and kissed him again, cupping his cheek to keep him in place. “Want me to bring you anything?” He asked, littering Eggsy’s jaw with little pecks. 

“I’m good thanks,” He replied, squirming uncomfortably beneath him. He just wanted Charlie to leave, so he could finally relax and cry a little. His eyes felt strange from holding back tears for so long. He just wanted to cuddle up to JB and pretend Harry Hart was still alive and he really did want Eggsy and he wasn’t just some drunken mistake. 

He hadn’t even considered that Harry was taking advantage of him. He was so blinded by his own feelings that he hadn’t even considered what Harry really wanted from him. He was probably only meant to be some toy he could use whenever he wanted. There was never meant to be any real commitment, and Eggsy had simply got too attached too quickly. 

Charlie kissed him one last time and lifted off him, giving JB a scratch on the head on his way out. The dog started awake, looking around the room for his attacker. He let out an annoyed grumble and crawled towards Eggsy, placing his paws on his hand to get his attention. 

Eggsy smiled and scooped his beloved friend into his arms, running his hands over his soft fur. Charlie may laugh at him for having such a ridiculous dog, but at least Eggsy could pick up and cuddle JB whenever he needed to. There was no way Charlie could pick up his German shepherd, which at six months was already far too big for their small home. 

He lay there with his dog on his chest, petting his head with his fingertips. Charlie’s words went around and around in his mind, forcing a few tears to slip. Maybe Charlie was right, he would have no way of knowing anyway. And what was the point of getting upset over something he’d never have an answer to? There was none, he’d never know what Harry really thought of him. 

By the time Charlie reappeared, he’d made up his mind. He had no reason to miss Harry like he did. He should be focusing on the brand new exciting thing he had with Charlie, even if we wasn’t totally invested. It was the memory of Harry that was holding him back. 

He let Charlie remove JB from his chest so that he could lie there. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and threaded one hand through his soft hair. He smiled has he heard him sigh in contentment, hands rubbing Eggsy’s chest. 

“This is what I always wanted, y’know,” Eggsy said absentmindedly. He’d known all along he wanted Charlie. Harry was just a distraction from his end game. 

Charlie tilted his head to look up at him, a broad smile on his face. “Me too,” he agreed. He lifted himself off Eggsy and moved to kiss him again, cupping his face. Eggsy’s arms wrapped around his waist to pull him down on top of him. 

They lay there kissing for a while, hands exploring each other eagerly. Eggsy gradually pushed all thoughts of Harry to the back of his mind, letting Charlie replace every single one of those thoughts until eventually, Eggsy had convinced Harry’s affection was just some fever dream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title: Lonely Boy - The Black Keys  
> Feel free to talk to me on my [Tumblr!](http://christiancat.tumblr.com/)

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to talk to me on my [Tumblr!](http://christiancat.tumblr.com/)


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